Comfort in Calm

The past several days have been blissfully calm, yet somewhat lonely. I've had the week off from teaching, though next week sees my last two days working at Emanu-El. I've had so little to actually "do," and for the first time in my recent memory, I've forced myself to do nothing. Literally. I've had to force myself to not set the alarm, not make plans, not drive to the city on impulse. I've forced myself to slow my body down, enjoy the calm, and not make myself crazy. I've taken a few naps, watched some horrible television, and above all else, I haven't felt compelled to be in a rush all week.

Now before you conclude I'm just gloating, let me assure you... this has not been an easy week. Since birth I've been on the go; I cannot remember a prolonged period of time where I chose to be lazy. Any eras of laziness were undoubtedly forced upon me. For example, the summer after high school the GAP hired me, then neglected to give me hours. Thus, by mid-July I was officially jobless, unable to find something else to do, and the endless UC summer became interminable. I hated that summer and craved something, anything, to do. I was antsy, bored, and uncomfortable in that state of mind.

I enjoy being busy; I like juggling different things at once. I'm more comfortable having a packed schedule with different things to do than I am just sitting around doing nothing and watching TV or sitting in an office staring at a computer screen. I thrive on being busy, but also commend others who do their best work when not under pressure. And, I look forward to my eventual career as a rabbi, where craziness and staying busy are the norm!

Anyway, I feel like I'm catching up on all the rest I missed out on during the last two years. All the rushing and the pushing and the nutso-futso-ness that ensued really took its toll. Going through those two physically and emotionally draining application processes, balancing three different jobs at once, the Hebrew tutoring, the voice lessons, and everything in between was not easy. It definitely made me into a stronger human being, but it was exhausting. Hence, I feel I deserve at least a week of chilling out.

It's very interesting to experience Berkeley during the hours most people are at work. Usually when I go out it's in the evening, and with Adam. I rarely, if ever, see people by themselves. Today, everywhere I went there were solitary people. People eating alone; people shopping alone. People armed with nothing but a book. People just wandering, enjoying their day. It was just so interesting to observe; so many people were alone, just like me. I wanted to talk to them, strike up random conversations, bridge the gap between us lonely folk. But most of these "loners" looked completely comfortable in their own solitude, and not at all interested in talking to the curious girl with the big mouth. So, I kept to myself.

In other news... this weekend is the premiere of Sex and the City: The Movie. Let me assure you, there are few other women in the world more excited to see this thing than me. I can quote episodes, dominate trivia contests, and rattle off about the social and psychological implications of Carrie and Co.'s trials and tribulations. I've looked forward to seeing the movie with my girlfriends for almost a year. I even watched a scene being filmed in New York when we visited in November!

But now that it's finally here, I'm nervous to see it. I've built it up in my head as the Most Amazing Movie of All Time. It's too much pressure! I've read the somewhat unkind reviews coming out, and they've made me a bit sad. I don't expect it to be amazing, I just want to enjoy it. To live and laugh with the characters of the show who have, rather unapologetically, become a major part of my life. Whether it's lame or not, the show has had an impact on my evolution as a young woman and my understanding of love and relationships. As unrealistic as the lives of the women were, the interaction between all the characters was very real, and very wonderful. I'm excited to see the movie, to be with my friends, and to laugh with the girls again.

It's time to go to sleep. I wish you all a lovely Friday, a Shabbat Shalom, and a restful weekend.

Love,
J