On Being Back

Will you? Yes. Yes I will.

Well folks, I thought the adventure was over. Turns out, it had only just begun.

It's been a whirwind of emotion and excitement since I arrived in LA. The biggest and most exciting moment of them all came on Sunday May 31, when Adam asked me to marry him. (I said yes) It was a beautiful, incredible moment in our six years together. The story is magical, and I am happy to share it with all of you personally. But it is a story which I will not post here on the blog. Rather, I will devote this entry to what I talk about best: my feelings. All of them.

I returned to California nearly two weeks ago, and it has been a surreal transition. Strange and surreal. It feels like I was never really gone, though my pictures and emails and HUC friends tell me otherwise. It feels like Israel was all a dream; a strange, drug-induced, psychadelic trip of a dream that stretched over eleven months. And yet, I know that it happened; I know I was there. But there is a certain level of detachment that I think accompanies the return from an extended trip abroad, and I'm feeling it these days.

The truth is, as you all know (and many of you have told me) I was really ready to come home. It was just time. Time for all of us. Very few people in my program were immune to the desire of returning to the place where we called home. And having that feeling running rampant on the HUC campus - and through the streets of Jerusalem - contributed to a morale that made us all anxious to get back. It was inescapable. We fed off each others' hunger to return and catapulted ourselves into the process of packing up and leaving Jerusalem.

So, it is no surprise to me that for the past thirteen days I've felt a little bit in limbo. Happy and thrilled to be back in a strangely familiar place, and also a bit confused. My life stretches out like a blanket over the California coast. My things are in boxes in the living room, and in the garage of my future in-laws up in Novato. My friends are in LA, and in the Bay Area, and spread out all over the country. My identity, as someone who embarked on Rabbinical School with little knowledge of tradition and a strong degree of familiarity with "California Reform," has shifted: I now have a much greater understanding of the religion I practice, and a firmly rooted grasp on the things which make up my Jewishness.

I guess it's safe to say I've changed. I've morphed. I've adapted to a life that was heavily influenced by Israeli culture, society, and experience. By the pain of being away from my beloved for eleven months. By the excitement of getting to travel to five separate countries. By the beauty of sharing incredible experiences with people who are now lifelong friends. By opening up my mind to learning things I feel honored and priveleged to learn. To take this new shape of me and fit it back into the peg that was once "me" is challenging. Not impossible, just difficult. In a good way.

And to make things more exciting and surreal, I am navigating all this newness as a freshly minted "fiancee," engaged to the most wonderful human being I know.

Time will heal this strange "surreality" that I feel each morning when I wake up; still surprised that my comforter isn't purple, that my bathroom door isn't directly in front of me, that the strange smell of Jerusalem mold and sweet eucalyptus isn't permeating my nose. It will heal the tinge of sadness I feel as I realize I cannot celebrate my engagement with my dear friends and HUC community. Hopefully, time will help me adapt as I navigate my summer job and the start of school in August. Time will heal it all as I dip further and further into the full-bubbles bathtub of this new person; this new, affianced, worldly Jaclyn.

And the blog will continue, just maybe under a different name. For I am no longer J.Fro in J.Lem, folks. Who am I? That remains to be seen.

For now, Shabbat Shalom from Los Angeles. I wish you all a Shavua Tov ahead. A good week, a week of peace.

Jaclyn

The official engagement portrait:

And Just Like That... It was Done

This particular post makes me pine for the days of Live Journal, when you could use a little figure to denote your mood and choose a song that expressed how you were feeling. Nevertheless, I'm going to break that mold and tell you my mood AND my song RIGHT NOW. 

Mood: Anxiously Elated 

Song: "Even Better than the Real Thing," by U2 (Achtung Baby) 

About an hour and a half ago, I completed my first year of rabbinical school. Final final finished, every last paper turned in, goodbyes said, every necessary piece of closure completed. I'm kind of in shock, and not really sure what to do with myself, but I'm happy and relieved to be done, and very much looking forward to going home. 

It's a little bit unsettling and bizarre to be done; to be walking around an apartment that's half-packed and fully messy, thinking about the last-minute things I have to do before I leave Saturday night. I'm a bit in limbo, but I'm also in celebration mode. As we say in Hebrew, it's a little gam v'gam.

I cannot believe that I made it through this year. Literally. Can. Not. Believe. What. I. Just. Did. When Adam left back in September I remember him telling me how much he looked forward to me coming home in May because I would feel so accomplished; that if I could make it through this, I could make it through anything. And you know what? He was one hundred percent right.

This was by far and away the toughest year of my life. I don't think I've ever been so challenged by so many different elements - by school, by people, by Judaism, by Israel, by my own health; it seemed this year that every time I thought I'd figured one thing out, something else would pop up in its place and go "Oh, hey you! Yeah, you! LOOK AT ME I AM TALKING TO YOU! FIGURE ME OUT RIGHT THIS SECOND OR I WILL PUNISH YOU MUAH HA HA HA!" (That's my way of explaining the ubiquitous menace in my Israeli life. Deal with it.)

And I never thought I'd say this, but I am so grateful that this was not an easy year. I'm incredibly appreciative of what it's taught me. I'm proud of myself for sticking it out and making it through eleven months in an entirely different universe, dealing with each challenge thrown my way and learning and growing as a person in the process. I'm proud of myself for doing it all on my own - an independent woman - without my beloved Jew Fro by my side. And while it wasn't a perfect year, it was an amazing one. I know that I will never, ever be able to relive what I just did in any other place, in any other capacity, in any other time of my life. I feel incredibly blessed to have had this year here. 

And so I thank you, Israel. Thank you HUC. Thank you Ramban Street, and Wolfson Medical Center, and Asaf Gershon my laundry man, and the fresh juice guy across from Supersol. Thank you Shabbat, and thank you TaNaKh, and thank you Hebrew. Thank you Ben Yehuda Street, and Zuni and Link and Chakra, and thank you Bar-On in the Old City for providing my family with Jew-y gifts. Thank you Tel Aviv and Haifa and the Galil; thank you Negev and Arava and Petra, and especially Binyamina. Todah Rabah l'ha kol. 

Thank you, all of you, who kept up with this journey of mine. Thank you for your love, your support, and above all else, for making me laugh. 

I'm off to get a massage. My body and soul deserve it! 

With love, 

Jaclyn

You say goodbye, I say hello?

Well, it's the beginning of the end of the beginning here in Jerusalem.

Hard to believe that one week from today I'll have full suitcases by the front door, a nearly-empty apartment, and a one-way ticket to Los Angeles in my hand. 

It's hard to process the whole thing because there are just so many emotions to feel. I'm ready, I'm not ready. I'm thrilled, I'm devastated. I'm excited for the next chapter and terrified of re-integrating into reality. And I'm sifting through all these emotions while attempting to study for finals and write these papers. And packing up all my crap. 

Anyway, rather than spend a full page blabbing on about my emotions, I decided to share pictures instead. So enjoy. 

This week's faculty-student soccer match. I'm sad to say, the teachers kicked our asses. And rather surprised to admit that, too. 

The uber-hot cheering section

HUC's #1 cheerleader, future Rabbi Amy Goodman

At last night's final banquet, with this year's surrogate boyfriend, Joel

One of the MOST awkward pictures of all time: Leslie and I looking cute and hiding Nancy behind us. Oh well. 

With beautiful Lisa B

Scrunching into a photo with Les, Leah, and Lisa. I love my L's! 

With the world's best roommate, Lauren. It kind of looks like I'm crushing her, but don't worry! It was all in good fun. 

Meredith and Ari performing one of their smash hits/rewritten words-to-Disney-songs at the final banquet last night. Mer's face pretty much encapsulates my year!

So there you go. Now back to the trenches. 

Love, 

Jaclyn

Shabbaton in Binyamina

This past weekend was one of the best I've had in Israel. I spent it in Binyamina, a small town on the coast, south of Haifa. It was there that our Parallel Lives group of students and soldiers had our final  Shabbaton together.

First mifgash: an intense discussion about community and world Jewry

Truth be told, few of us were looking forward to the Shabbaton. It came a mere week before our finals start, two weeks before many of us are scheduled to go home. Everyone's stressed and frenzied, and the thought of going up north to a foreign place made us all a little bit meshuggie. Yet somehow, we arrived in Binyamina on Friday morning refreshed and ready; we were greeted with an insane amount of love and respect from the community, and all of us - soldiers and students - had an awesome time. 

With my host mother, Orit Orr 

What made it so amazing? Well, I think it started with the natural beauty of Binyamina. It felt a lot like a sleepier, quieter, less fancy-shmancy Santa Barbara. Arriving there I felt so much lighter and happier; getting out of Jerusalem will do that to anyone. So right from the start, it felt good; it felt like a Shabbaton. 

Binyamina residents are unbelievably kind, and it's a small enough town that everyone seems to know and love each other. The family that hosted us (me and Rona, a female Tzahal soldier raised in Tel Aviv) was so fabulous. They were just awesome, lovely people. Orit and her husband Boaz had a warm, beautiful home. Within ten minutes I was in love with both of them, and felt totally comfortable in their house. They invited us in and fed us boatloads of delicious, homemade food. They wanted to know all about us - who we were and what we did. They were fascinated and supported my decision to become a rabbi. They were so alive, warm, and kind. It was the first time this entire year I felt welcome - truly welcome - in an Israeli home. 

With Boaz, Orit, and soldier Rona

The programs were mostly put together by Maya, who coordinates the program from the Israeli side, and the various residents of Binyamina who volunteered their time out of interest and generosity. LuAnne and I have coordinated the program the whole year from the HUC side, so it was great to be able to simply be participants. The events were planned beautifully. They were meaningful and significant and not over-the-top. We were also able to simply have downtime in our host families' homes. Which, obvi, I was thrilled to have. 

This weekend was the first time I was able to look back and understand what a tremendous experience Parallel Lives has been. I was also able to witness the impact it's had on students and soldiers. We each came away from this yearlong program understanding each other better, having learned about each others worlds. We became friends, we became a community. 

The group says goodbye... for now 

The most important part of Parallel Lives, for me, was building a bridge between Israeli elite unit soldiers from all over the country and a select group of aspiring clergy members in North America's Reform Movement. In a time when Israel's Progressive Movement is struggling to find its voice, its identity, and its legitimacy, I feel that I contributed some small part to the cause. I feel that I did something to help bring the beauty of Reform Judaism to the Israeli masses. Hearing what the soldiers learned about us, and how they were impacted through this program, made me realize that we did make a difference; we did achieve some wonderful goals throughout the year. 

And so, I do hope that these relationships and conversations continue, and am confident that they will. Some soldiers will visit us in LA in the fall as the final piece of the program. They will come to our turf and observe how we live our lives. By then, hopefully, we'll all be settled and comfortable in our new lives in Los Angeles. (For which I am getting incredibly excited)

Six Years?!?!?!

Finally, yesterday was my six (yes, SIX) year anniversary with my dear darling Jew Fro. Thanks to the suave skills of my dear friend Lisa, I received a beautiful bouquet from my beloved Fro this afternoon.  What a mensch, that Adam! I cannot wait to get back to California, back to family and friends and especially to he man who honors my deep love of fresh flowers.  (And 30 Rock) 

In two weeks I'll be home, and all this will be a distant memory. Thank goodness I've got a blog to keep the virtual momentos. 

Love,

Jaclyn

Nearing the end...

Today, May 2nd, marks exactly ten months since I arrived in Israel for the start of this journey. I de-planed the El Al jet sweaty and disoriented, Adam my love by my side. We arrived in Jerusalem several hours later, to an apartment I could not fathom living in, to a neighborhood filled with religious Jews, to a city that didn't look at all like I remembered it. I was an emotional wreck, overwhelmed and in shock and in total disbelief that I would actually be able to accomplish what was being asked of me. In those first few days, I walked around in a haze; my heart ached for Berkeley, for home, for normalcy. 

And now, I've spent just shy of one year here. I'm three weeks away from the finish line. So much has happened, I can't even process it. I've had the most incredible, challenging, and emotionally stirring adventure. I've pushed myself in every which way a person can be pushed. I've done the vast majority of it all without my beloved partner, with whom I belong, by my side. And I simply cannot believe it's coming to a close, or how much I will miss this life I've grown accostomed to. 

As we start to pack up our lives here in Jerusalem and look towards uncertain futures back in the states, I find myself torn. On the one hand, I've been ready to go home since January. You could not get me on that sixteen-hour nonstop flight faster. And yet on the other, I am so deeply saddened that this life will be completely over. End chapter. Book closed. Shut forever.

Never again will I have the opportunities I've had. Never again will I be able to live in Jerusalem - the tortured, divided, and beautiful epicenter of my religion. And never again will I have the privilege of learning in this particular environment or capacity. 

So, it's safe to say on this cloudy but warm Shabbat afternoon, as the weekend descends to the start of our penultimate school week, that I'm finding a part of myself tearing more and more in two with each passing day: the part of me that aches for home, and the part of me that will always be, strangely, connected to Jerusalem. 

-Jaclyn