Since that evening in late March when I found out I'd been accepted to rabbinical school I have encountered the widest gamut of excitement, anxiety, and stress one can imagine. And each week, with its set of new promises and challenges, had me thinking to myself, "well, at least I'm not leaving tomorrow." Nearly every day the past three months I've thought this, trying to assuage my anxiety by convincing myself there was still time. Still time to make plans, still time to say goodbye, still time to deal with whatever I needed to.
Now, the day has come where my departure is, in fact, tomorrow. Like any major life cycle event, the countdown to showtime climaxes with the feeling of one-day-to-go. Just one more day to get every last minute thing done, say every last word you need to, make every last phone call, and do all that is necessary to ensure you'll do exactly what you've planned to do for so many months. That day is today, and I simply cannot believe it.
The past week of my life I've felt like the star of my own freak show. Between leaving Berkeley (which was achingly difficult to do) and battling the Israeli consulate for my visa-stamped passport (just as emotionally draining) I feel exhausted and somewhat defeated. It's been mildly exciting making all these trips to Target and Costco, but I feel so guilty for spending so much and making a mess of my parents' living room. I'm certain I haven't been as pleasant or appreciative to my family and Adam as I should have been, focusing on the stress of what wasn't getting done, rather than the pleasure of accomplishing what was finished. But I guess that's just the way I roll.
To be fair, my overwhelming feeling right now is one of great anticipation. I am really, honestly and truly excited about this upcoming experience. I think it will be amazing, and I am truly excited to return to Israel after eight years. I've looked forward to the year in Israel since the day I decided to consider becoming a cantor. I always thought spending a year in Jerusalem would be incredible, and always thought I'd have a wonderful time.
On the other hand, I'm a little bit upset about being out of my comfort zone for a whole year. Not three months, or six months, but a year of my life. While I know I can do it, and that deep down everything will be okay, I'm just kind of scared. And a little bit sad. I love California, I love my family and friends, and I'm not all that keen on spending so much time away from it all.
I would imagine that everyone else in the program is feeling similarly right now. I mean, how could they not? Every major life cycle moment has the potential to be bittersweet: exciting and daunting at the same time. I guess that's just what keeps us getting stronger.
I bid you all a wonderful day... relax and decompress for me!
Love, Jaclyn
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I GOT MY PASSPORT!!!!!!!!!
Oh sweet Lord, Baruch Atah Adonai, all that is holy, THANK YOU!
For the last week of my life, I've been in a bitter custody battle with the Israel Consualte over the love of my life, the cream in my coffee, my winning lottery ticket: my passport.
As is the case with most custody battles, they wanted to keep it for themselves. Apparently they wanted to play in the park with it, teach it how to catch, and buy it a nice dinner in Union Square. They tried to win it over. Alimony be damned, they wanted it bad.
Finally, they grew tired of it. They realized what hard work it is to have a passport. Albeit, they came to this decision several weeks later than I expected them to. It probably had something to do with my dozens of aggressive, obnoxious phone calls and messages. My intense persistence. Or my completely unbearable anxiety. One way or another, I won it back.
So, here I am, happy as a clam, kissing my passport and welcoming it back where it belongs: with its mother.
Peace be the journey.
Oh sweet Lord, Baruch Atah Adonai, all that is holy, THANK YOU!
For the last week of my life, I've been in a bitter custody battle with the Israel Consualte over the love of my life, the cream in my coffee, my winning lottery ticket: my passport.
As is the case with most custody battles, they wanted to keep it for themselves. Apparently they wanted to play in the park with it, teach it how to catch, and buy it a nice dinner in Union Square. They tried to win it over. Alimony be damned, they wanted it bad.
Finally, they grew tired of it. They realized what hard work it is to have a passport. Albeit, they came to this decision several weeks later than I expected them to. It probably had something to do with my dozens of aggressive, obnoxious phone calls and messages. My intense persistence. Or my completely unbearable anxiety. One way or another, I won it back.
So, here I am, happy as a clam, kissing my passport and welcoming it back where it belongs: with its mother.
Peace be the journey.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Goodbye, Berkeley
We moved.
Adam and I are no longer living in Berkeley.
We, along with all our crap, are now residents of Los Angeles for one week.
We leave for Israel July 1.
I cannot process it all.
Wah! I miss Berkeley!
Adam and I are no longer living in Berkeley.
We, along with all our crap, are now residents of Los Angeles for one week.
We leave for Israel July 1.
I cannot process it all.
Wah! I miss Berkeley!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Because (They) Loved (Us)
Adam and I have both received a tremendous outpouring of love and support the past few weeks. It's been so heartfelt, so kind, and so honest. I thank you, our dear friends and family, for enriching our lives and filling it with love. It's tough to leave, but we'll be back soon! I promise!
This week is the beginning of the end, our last full week in Berkeley. We leave June 23 for LA, and fly to Israel on July 1. Our week is already jam-packed and I don't know how we'll get through it, but we will. I'm certain things will work out.
Walking through Berkeley the past few weeks, I've observed just how tremendous a place it is. There is something enchanting about Berkeley; I've always seen it, but my impending move has made me experience it in a different way. The energy is palpable, the greenery is lush, the placement across from the Golden Gate Bridge is inspiring, and the city itself is a magical place.
Thinking back to summer 2006, Adam and I had just graduated from our respective colleges and decided to move in together. A part of my wondered if San Francisco was a better place for a young couple such as ourselves; he was completely against the idea of moving to the city. Thankfully, we stayed on this side of the Bay.
After an agonizing and hair-raising search, we found this cozy apartment in a salmon-colored building on the beautiful Bonita Rose. We signed the lease and celebrated with Italian food. In August we moved in, bringing dozens of boxes with us. We built an entire repertoire of furniture from Craigslist. We built a life together, invited friends over for home-cooked meals, snuggled up to one another in the winter, opened the windows in the summer, and kept the place (reasonably) clean.
This apartment has been host to celebrations and defeats, pain and triumph, friends and family. Its walls have kept us safe for two years. And now that we're packing it all up and leaving the city that we love, there's a tremendous feeling of loss and sadness. I know I've blogged about this before, but it is really heartbreaking to leave a place you call home; no matter what that place is.
Well it's back to the trenches for me. Enjoy this priceless pic of the whole family at Andrew's graduation!
Love, J
This week is the beginning of the end, our last full week in Berkeley. We leave June 23 for LA, and fly to Israel on July 1. Our week is already jam-packed and I don't know how we'll get through it, but we will. I'm certain things will work out.
Walking through Berkeley the past few weeks, I've observed just how tremendous a place it is. There is something enchanting about Berkeley; I've always seen it, but my impending move has made me experience it in a different way. The energy is palpable, the greenery is lush, the placement across from the Golden Gate Bridge is inspiring, and the city itself is a magical place.
Thinking back to summer 2006, Adam and I had just graduated from our respective colleges and decided to move in together. A part of my wondered if San Francisco was a better place for a young couple such as ourselves; he was completely against the idea of moving to the city. Thankfully, we stayed on this side of the Bay.
After an agonizing and hair-raising search, we found this cozy apartment in a salmon-colored building on the beautiful Bonita Rose. We signed the lease and celebrated with Italian food. In August we moved in, bringing dozens of boxes with us. We built an entire repertoire of furniture from Craigslist. We built a life together, invited friends over for home-cooked meals, snuggled up to one another in the winter, opened the windows in the summer, and kept the place (reasonably) clean.
This apartment has been host to celebrations and defeats, pain and triumph, friends and family. Its walls have kept us safe for two years. And now that we're packing it all up and leaving the city that we love, there's a tremendous feeling of loss and sadness. I know I've blogged about this before, but it is really heartbreaking to leave a place you call home; no matter what that place is.
Well it's back to the trenches for me. Enjoy this priceless pic of the whole family at Andrew's graduation!
Love, J
Saturday, June 14, 2008
A Change a Comin'...
What up peeps.
Oh jeez, there is so little time left before I go. A little over two weeks. I got so anxious today I thought my brain was going to explode. Everyone keeps telling me, "make lists! Lists are helpful! Lists! Lists! Lists!" But the truth is, each list I make keeps getting longer... each time I cross something off, six more things take its place. I just wanna be done, you know? No more to-do lists!! No more to-do lists!!!
There is just sooooo muuuuuuch to do.
Anyway, this week my younger brother graduated from high school. It was incredibly moving and special to see him in his cap and gown. He performed thrice during the ceremony, and he was unbelievably good. I was filled with such a sense of pride; so much nachas! My brother has evolved into a wonderful, mature young man. It's just so hard to believe that he's about to start college.
All this transition is rather jarring. There's change afoot everywhere I look. Brother's going to college, Adam moves to LA for grad school after a summer with me in Israel, parents are becoming official "empty nesters," people are getting engaged, traveling, changing their jobs, going back to school... there is just an overwhelming amount of change happening all over.
Let's not forget Obama! Now, I have to admit I was a big fan of Hill-dawg. and a part of me was very sad when she resigned from the race on Saturday. But I do think Obama has a lot to offer, and more than anyone else in recent history he physically embodies the notion of "change." Watching his fist-pump with wife Michelle when he cinched the Dem nomination put a huge smile on my face. When it comes to change, he represents it to a very strong degree.
That doth rock.
I'll be in Israel in November, and I hope to devote much of my time to getting my fellow Americans absentee ballots and stuff. I just want to do all I can, you know?
Well, my brain is on overload and I can't handle much more. I have seven different gossip magazines to get through to distract me from packing, and I fully intend to indulge in them this weekend.
Everybody get down, get funky.
-Jaclyn
Oh jeez, there is so little time left before I go. A little over two weeks. I got so anxious today I thought my brain was going to explode. Everyone keeps telling me, "make lists! Lists are helpful! Lists! Lists! Lists!" But the truth is, each list I make keeps getting longer... each time I cross something off, six more things take its place. I just wanna be done, you know? No more to-do lists!! No more to-do lists!!!
There is just sooooo muuuuuuch to do.
Anyway, this week my younger brother graduated from high school. It was incredibly moving and special to see him in his cap and gown. He performed thrice during the ceremony, and he was unbelievably good. I was filled with such a sense of pride; so much nachas! My brother has evolved into a wonderful, mature young man. It's just so hard to believe that he's about to start college.
All this transition is rather jarring. There's change afoot everywhere I look. Brother's going to college, Adam moves to LA for grad school after a summer with me in Israel, parents are becoming official "empty nesters," people are getting engaged, traveling, changing their jobs, going back to school... there is just an overwhelming amount of change happening all over.
Let's not forget Obama! Now, I have to admit I was a big fan of Hill-dawg. and a part of me was very sad when she resigned from the race on Saturday. But I do think Obama has a lot to offer, and more than anyone else in recent history he physically embodies the notion of "change." Watching his fist-pump with wife Michelle when he cinched the Dem nomination put a huge smile on my face. When it comes to change, he represents it to a very strong degree.
That doth rock.
I'll be in Israel in November, and I hope to devote much of my time to getting my fellow Americans absentee ballots and stuff. I just want to do all I can, you know?
Well, my brain is on overload and I can't handle much more. I have seven different gossip magazines to get through to distract me from packing, and I fully intend to indulge in them this weekend.
Everybody get down, get funky.
-Jaclyn
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Good Morning, Good Morning
Things are progressing at such a rapid pace now; it's hard to keep up. I feel like the days have sped by faster and faster since I left the Music Festival in April. It's kind of crazy how fast the weeks are going now! It's overwhelming me.
I've hit the moment where suddenly there's so much to do, and my mind is filled with anxiety about how to get it all done. The week of nothing, a la last week's post, should have been filled with small errands and things. I'm kicking myself for not taking more off my to-do list. But, I think last week was a weird form of procrastination. It's over and I need to move on!
I've started to dream about Israel. Weird dreams. Dreams that don't particularly make sense, aren't scary or nightmarish, but have some sort of meaning to them. I don't remember them all that well, just that my dreams involve my move in some way.
The one thing I do recall from last night had to do with being there and NOT being able to blog, (the horror!) Harry Goldenblatt being a former rabbi, and a movie theater on the same street as my apartment. Oh, and something that had to do with visiting Adam's family in Israel. They spoke in English, then randomly the mother would smack the family and tell them to speak in Hebrew.
Interpretations? Anyone want to be my Joseph?
Anyway, what else can I tell the general public... this week was my last week at Emanu-El. It was totally anticlimactic since there's absolutely no one there right now. I have to say it felt a little bit strange leaving. Not sad, not happy, not emotional or anything; just strange. A weird, bizarre feeling of emptiness or oddness. I can't explain it.
I wound up leading services twice the past week to fill in for the Cantor. That was a whole blog post of its own. It felt good to be back on the bimah, singing the same pieces that made me want to be a Cantor in the first place. I even sang the same piece from my audition, Sim Shalom by Michael Isaacson, one of my all-time favorites.
I have to say, it was very meaningful and poignant to do this right before I left. It gave me a chance to say goodbye, theoretically, to a part of my life that I'm glad is over. Being on that bimah, singing those songs, made me feel safe and comfortable in this new path. As much as I love the music, I can't stand the pressure. I can't handle the stress placed on my voice; the awkwardness of trying to convince a congregation to sing opera with you. I love music so deeply and always will, but I want it to be something I enjoy and do because I want to. I want to sing out in praise, not sing to get people to pray.
I don't know, in some weird way it all makes sense to me and I'm thrilled about becoming a rabbi. I do anticipate some sort of weirdness when we get to Israel and it really hits me that I'm not in the program I always thought I'd be in. It will take some getting used to.
So now I bid you adieu, as I head off into the great blue yonder and figure out how to pack up this darn apartment. I hope you're all having a great weekend. Check back soon.
-J
p.s... Anyone want a couch?
I've hit the moment where suddenly there's so much to do, and my mind is filled with anxiety about how to get it all done. The week of nothing, a la last week's post, should have been filled with small errands and things. I'm kicking myself for not taking more off my to-do list. But, I think last week was a weird form of procrastination. It's over and I need to move on!
I've started to dream about Israel. Weird dreams. Dreams that don't particularly make sense, aren't scary or nightmarish, but have some sort of meaning to them. I don't remember them all that well, just that my dreams involve my move in some way.
The one thing I do recall from last night had to do with being there and NOT being able to blog, (the horror!) Harry Goldenblatt being a former rabbi, and a movie theater on the same street as my apartment. Oh, and something that had to do with visiting Adam's family in Israel. They spoke in English, then randomly the mother would smack the family and tell them to speak in Hebrew.
Interpretations? Anyone want to be my Joseph?
Anyway, what else can I tell the general public... this week was my last week at Emanu-El. It was totally anticlimactic since there's absolutely no one there right now. I have to say it felt a little bit strange leaving. Not sad, not happy, not emotional or anything; just strange. A weird, bizarre feeling of emptiness or oddness. I can't explain it.
I wound up leading services twice the past week to fill in for the Cantor. That was a whole blog post of its own. It felt good to be back on the bimah, singing the same pieces that made me want to be a Cantor in the first place. I even sang the same piece from my audition, Sim Shalom by Michael Isaacson, one of my all-time favorites.
I have to say, it was very meaningful and poignant to do this right before I left. It gave me a chance to say goodbye, theoretically, to a part of my life that I'm glad is over. Being on that bimah, singing those songs, made me feel safe and comfortable in this new path. As much as I love the music, I can't stand the pressure. I can't handle the stress placed on my voice; the awkwardness of trying to convince a congregation to sing opera with you. I love music so deeply and always will, but I want it to be something I enjoy and do because I want to. I want to sing out in praise, not sing to get people to pray.
I don't know, in some weird way it all makes sense to me and I'm thrilled about becoming a rabbi. I do anticipate some sort of weirdness when we get to Israel and it really hits me that I'm not in the program I always thought I'd be in. It will take some getting used to.
So now I bid you adieu, as I head off into the great blue yonder and figure out how to pack up this darn apartment. I hope you're all having a great weekend. Check back soon.
-J
p.s... Anyone want a couch?
Monday, June 2, 2008
SATC
The movie was awesome. Soooooooo goooooooood. Anyone who says otherwise is just WRONG.
The fashion and materialism was a little over the top, and some of the situations were a little unresolved... (Anthony and Stanford???) but all in all, it was a great slice of Sex and the City pie.
The fashion and materialism was a little over the top, and some of the situations were a little unresolved... (Anthony and Stanford???) but all in all, it was a great slice of Sex and the City pie.
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