Life, or something resembling it!

Hello, friends.

Um, I've been really busy lately. Sickeningly busy. Like, need to take a deep breath, don't have time to pee during school, ready to poke my eyes out with an ice pick, think it's time for a lobotomy busy. Thankfully, some of the things keeping me busy are awesome. Not so luckily, most of what's keeping me busy is stressful and anxiety-inducing. But I take each day as it comes and try to keep my chin up, cause that's the only way to get out of this thing alive and kicking!

So what have I been up to, you may ask? Well, let's start with school. My days and weeks are full. So full. Like, waaaaay fuller than they were in high school. And unfortunately, there is so much busy work, I can't quite get away with skimping on the reading or avoiding certain assignments. Unlike college, where there was a paper every couple of weeks and reading I occassionally managed to avoid, HUC makes a point of pushing their students to the limit academically. I have nine classes, school Sunday-Thursday from 8:30-4:30, community service projects, three Kabbalat Shabbat services to plan (to be fair, two are voluntary) a D'var Torah to write for a February Shacharit service, and the strangest additional assignments one could imagine. (Tomorrow night our entire class is simulating the 1906 Duma Elections in Russia, and I represent the Communists. Go Red!)

Now, I am someone who responds well to a full load. I enjoy taking on multiple things at once and thrive on being busy. But this is... well, it's overkill. It's just a bit too much. And sadly, it's causing much stress, anxiety, and frustration amongst my peers. I try to promote my good moods, if and when I have them, and seek out the shining moments in an otherwise stressful week. But it's really a challenge, and all of it is exacerbated by my homesickness, my Adam-sickness, and my deep disappointment that our schedules prevent the exploration of Israel. Isn't that why we're 6,000+ miles from home?

Anyway, as for the good things I've been doing, well... there are plenty. Last weekend Leslie and I ventured to Tel Aviv for a truly awful showing of the opera "Salome." We had a great time together, but the opera was incredibly bizarre and made no sense to either of us. But the food was good, it was great to escape Jlem for a few hours, and we shared many laughs along the way. It was also so good to just get some culture, plus we were surrounded by so many well-dressed Israelis! It just felt good to do that, to not be surrounded by a bunch of frummy, depressed-looking religious people draped in black and hollering on about the Messiah's arrival. Despite the hilarity of the shittiness of the show, we really enjoyed our evening.

Last week my school visited the Leo Baeck High School in Haifa, and it was an incredible experience. A school based on Reform Judaism ideology, they stress the importance of being a mensch; a worldly, compassionate human being. I loved it, and I want to send my kids there!

Thursday Morning T'filah in the Leo Baeck Elementary

We also managed to participate in/observe a Thursday morning T'filah with the newly-formed elementary schoolchildren. At first we all cooed over how cute they were. But as the service went on. I realized that the kids were all singing along to melodies I myself knew from the states, guitar-based, Reform tunes to songs and prayers in Hebrew. They were praying together, reading from a siddur with pictures, and those student sh'lichei tzibbur (service leaders) were saying some beautiful, meaningful things. It moved me and put tears in my eyes, so I engaged.

Taking my seat next to a group of kids, I looked on with them and spoke quietly in Hebrew. Asking them questions about the siddur and prayers, they were completely engaged and enthusiastic. They kept asking me questions and looked so incredibly dazzled by me, this strange looking woman from the outside world. At some point, one of the kids turned and said "at studentit rabbanit?" (are you a female rabbinical student) When I said yes, the group did the Israeli equivalent of shrugging their shoulders, smiling, and saying "cool!" This nonchalant, of-course-a-woman-can-be-a-rabbi, isn't-that-awesome response absolutely made my day. Here is an entire generation of Israeli Jews raised on the progressive mindset I hope to espouse as a rabbi. It was really quite a cool moment.

And finally, let's talk about Thanksgiving! Or In Hebrew: Chag Hoddia, Turkey Holiday.

This is just the non-dairy spread... if only I'd captured the variety of creamy mashed potatoes and more...

Definitely a good, colorful selection!

The Thanksgiving celebration at HUC was wonderful; one for the scrapbooks. Organized beautifully by my dear friend Leslie, it featured the most incredible variety of food I have ever seen. As I've mentioned before, my peers are the most talented bunch of cooks! We had four huge turkeys, each prepared differently and deliciously by various friends. We had cranberry sauces, potato dishes, carrots, green beans, stuffing, biscuits, squash and so much more! My glazed carrots were a hit (I think) and the entire thing was supplemented by the most extraordinary desserts. My personal favorite? Pumpkin pie. Oh Em Gee, it is so good.

But more than the food, the Thanksgiving gathering demonstrated how close our HUC community has grown in the past five (!!) months. While T-giving has never been an especially poignant holiday for me, rather just a time to get together and munch with the nuclear family and our dear friends the Browns, many of my friends were sad to miss out on familial traditions. They leaned on us, we leaned on each other, and put together a tremendous celebration for ourselves. It was a marvelous evening, and I'll cherish it forever.

Happy, full HUCsters Ari, Leslie, and me

So what's on tap for the next few weeks? Lots of school, two retreats, (both work related) my official Kabbalat Shabbat-leading service, and eventually, finals! Oy vey. I'm both incredibly excited and tremendously sad that the halfway point of our year comes December 13. While I definitely cannot wait to return home to the people I love, I will be deeply saddened when this adventure comes to a close. I am scheduled to visit LA in January during my winter break, and know that visit will recharge and re-energize me, to come back and face the remainder of my time here in Jerusalem. It's a funny thing to near the halfway point and look behind and ahead.

It's also so interesting to see how far I've come in my perceptions of things here. Reading my first few blog posts just fascinates me; to observe my early thoughts and see how they've developed, especially with everything that's gone on the past five months... well, it just blows me away. Despite my frustrations, despite the homesickness, and in spite of the challenges of this year... I am having an incredible adventure and learning more about myself each and every day.

Sending lots of love back home,

Jaclyn

Two way street

I think it may be time to blog about my current state of being in Israel. That, and I'm engaged in some serious procrastination over my Second Temple history final.

I've been here four and a half months, and in that time there's been a major schism in my personal life. On one side, I could not be happier. My social life is awesome, and I don't think I've ever been this busy. I am developing incredible relationships with my classmates; becoming really close friends with some, I believe, for life. We all live near each other, hang out easily, get together for Shabbat dinners and birthday celebrations, and laugh all the time. We rely on each other and have cultivated somewhat of a collective family here in Israel. The only thing missing in this department is my beloved Adam.

And yet as those relationships grow and I become more and more content with my social surroundings, my relationship with the place I live is regressing. The more time I spend on the streets of Jerusalem, the more discontent I grow with it. And sadly, it's getting to the point of depressing. I came here with eyes wide open, and slowly my heart is hardening to this country.

I can't walk to school in the morning without screaming "shut up" at someone honking their horn. I've started avoiding certain streets and stores and people because I just don't have the patience to deal with their bullshit. And perhaps the biggest indicator of my frustration, I was thisclose to slugging a man in the face on Friday morning. Not only did he cut me in line at the bakery, but he interrupted my conversation with the meltzarit (waitress) and pushed me out of the way so he could pay. I yelled at him, but refrained from physical violence. I figured, if I'm going to be a rabbi, I probably shoudn't go around assaulting people at this stage in the game.

Sadly, the man's behavior is what I've grown accostomed to here in Jlem. It's just the way people treat each other. There's a coldness, an attitude, impatience, arrogance, and a hard exterior that's often hard to crack. I've been lucky to crack certain people's sabra-ness, like Assaf the Laundry Man and Ya'akov my makolet (little market) guy. But most others make me want to remain a defensive island unto myself, which thus perpetuates the viscious cycle.

The struggle I face now is what to do with all this negativity. I don't want to feel this way about Israelis, or about Jerusalem. I want to see more good. I try to find the positives in every situation; to convince my friends that there are silver linings to every cloud. A realistic optimist, they call me. Above all else, I try to find the humor in the ridiculousness. Sometimes it helps to just shrug your shoulders and laugh.

But there is a very real problem here, a problem I'm determined to confront and overcome in the next six months. That problem is, how do I support a country (financially, spiritually, emotionally, educationally, and all sorts of -llys) when they seem so clearly disinterested in me? Not just as a female Reform rabbinical student, but as an American Jew? Sometimes I sense this Israeli attitude that, simply because I'm an American Jew I have a natural obligation to support Israel. What's the point in wooing me if I'm already committed?

At the same time all these thoughts are raging inside me, I am completely convinced that Israel is the most fascinating country on the planet. Learning the history and sensing the culture, you can't help but be enthralled by its very existence. And unlike what you see from the window of a tour bus, living here is a completely unique experience. I'm thrilled to be doing it like I am, because it feels authentic. Like it or not, I'm really seeing Israel. When May eventually comes and I return to the people and place I love, this experience, good and bad, will stay with me the rest of my life.

In case you hadn't gathered it already, I miss all of you very, very much. Many hugs and much love to California.

שלום וברכהת

Jaclyn

Barack and Berlin

OBAAAAAMAAA!!!!

Shalom, my faithful readers!

First, an apology. So many wonderful things have happened the past few weeks, and I bet you thought I was too cool to write about them. And I was.

But I have since developed a bit of humility, and am now ready to relay to you all the thoughts and feelings and emotions and pictures that have captured world events of the last few weeks.

Let us begin with Halloween. For those of you not hooked up to Facebook, I dressed up as Sarah Palin. I won the HUC costume contest. I pretty much rocked everyone's socks. And I believe Obama's victory was one hundred percent due to my incredible costume.

I can see Russia from my house!

A few days later, in our early hours of November 5 I, along with three HUC friends, departed for Berlin, Germany on a four day conference. Called "Lech Lecha: Jewish Journeys," it brought together progressive Jews from Europe and Israel to learn, pray, commemorate, and be Jewish. It was an amazing experience in its own right, but the fact that it began with us watching election returns at Ben Gurion Airport and witnessing (along with the rest of the world) as Barack Obama was elected 44th President of the United States; well, that made it incredible.

Tears of joy for Obama.

It is really and truly hard for me, a woman rarely rendered speechless, to fully put into words what I felt when the political pundits of Fox News (of all stations!) proclaimed Obama the victor. Though it wasn't exactly a surprise, the reality of it; actually watching the moment with my own eyes, gave me a feeling of genuine joy I have not ever experienced in my life. It was elation, happiness, relief, excitment, and hope rolled all into one. I cried on the phone to Adam and my mother. I hugged my friends and danced in the terminal. It was a moment of sublime happiness, and I'll never forget that moment.

We arrived in Berlin to a world that seemed a bit different; happier, lighter, and more optimistic. I asked so many people how they felt about Obama winning, and every person responded the same way: "It's great! No more Bush!" Some said they thought Obama represented a new kind of America, that it was great so many people supported him, and how happy they were to have a new "political family" in the White House. Others suggested that Obama will be positive for the international community, that his ideas are better and more in touch with what the world needs. It was certainly the talk of the conference, and I was incredibly proud to refer to myself as hailing from "the United States of Obama."

So, yeah. That was pretty awesome.

Brandenburg Tor (gate) at the center of the city.

So... Berlin. What a city. It is both progressively modern and totally haunted by its past. Walking around, you feel that something truly awful happened there. I don't know how to explain it. At the same time, I could see myself living in Berlin. It was beautiful, well-designed, clean, efficient, (the buses were early, people) and altogether Western-influenced. There's also some really amazing culture there, from the art museums to live performances to gorgeous street graffiti. It's a throbbing city, full of new life and energy, yet still trying to redeem itself for the crimes of its past.

It's interesting to note that the people were either ridiculously friendly, or I've been in Israel so long that a smile and "hello" seemed like overt hospitality! Really, the people were delightful. I never felt uncomfortable, I always felt welcome. It was a happy respite from the attitude and coldness of Israeli culture.

We managed to do some sightseeing, which was both fun and exciting and yet totally painful. The Reichstag, Holocaust Memorial, Checkpoint Charlie, and Berlin Wall were so moving; you really see this city for what it was. We all needed to just sit down and have a beer after several hours of fierce emotional tourism. But all in all, it's a really amazing place to visit and experience. I highly recommend it.

With fellow HUCsters at the Reform Synagogue of Berlin

The conference itself was wonderful. Though the content wasn't highly intellectual, it was a fabulous experience. I met people from all over Europe and the UK. They were involved, progressive Jews and leaders within their communities. They wanted to create an active Jewish environment for them and their friends; essentially hoping to rebuild communities destroyed by the Shoah. It was true heroism, and I feel fortunate to have met with them, talked with them, and heard their stories. As with most conferences I've attended, the real meat of the gathering occurs outside the lectures and meetings. It was there that I developed a new understanding and appreciation for European Jews.

With Adam's Uncle Tom and Aunt Lilka at Jaffa Gate in Jlem

Finally, just to go totally out of order, I had a wonderful visit with Adam's aunt and uncle the night I left for Germany. It was so lovely to see them, and to be reminded of the people I love back home. Though I knew I loved my people before I left, the distance has made my heart grow so much fonder. I miss all of you so deeply and cannot wait til the day I can hug you again.

Sending you so much love from Jerusalem,

Jaclyn