Three months IN... Eight months to go.

Two days ago I passed the three-month mark. Three months here in Jerusalem. This is officially the longest period of time I've spent abroad, (Spain was just under three) and the longest I've gone without seeing my family. Had I not worked SO hard for my Student Visa, I'd be kicked out of the country now that 90 days are over. Luckily, I did get it (six days before departure, let's not forget) and therefore am allowed to stay a full year. Phew!

I think I've hit a bit of a slump here, punctuated by moments and days of pure joy and satisfaction. I attribute this slump to many things, the first of which being Adam's absence. In the days and weeks since he left I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions. I've vacillated between confidence and loneliness, excitement and disappointment. Mostly, I feel like I'm redefining myself as an individual, not as one half of a super-awesome couple. I'm standing on my own two feet without the beautiful Jew Fro behind me, cheering me on.

Granted, I do speak to Adam every day. And I see his face on Skype all the time. But it's just not the same to be here without him, and to be physically apart is brutal. Thus, as I continue to evolve here, some days are harder than others. Some activities make me miss him like crazy, while others, like going to Tel Aviv with my girlfriends (see below) I'm completely fine. The bottom line is, this year in Israel is tough to begin with. Going about the day-to-day without Adam by my side makes it just a little bit harder.

Another slump-y situation I've blogged about before is my spiritual quest here in Israel. I came here with an open mind and a desire to become more spiritually aware. I came here as a lover of prayer, and as someone who feels connected to God. I figured there was no place on earth I would be more comfortable praying as a Jew than Israel. This is, after all, the homeland of the Jews. Doesn't every Jew belong here? Isn't it true that the closer you get in proximity to the Western Wall, the louder God hears you?

Sadly, I feel that my quest for deeper spiritually in Israel has been a major disappointment. I can't seem to find a comfortable place in which to pray, or a community where I feel welcome. My HUC bubble is fine, but it doesn't feel completely authentic; there's something a bit off about the prayer we participate in. Perhaps it's the fact that we're engaging in American-style prayer abroad, and it's led by former Americans who've made Aliyah. There's a lot of cross-cultural confusion there.

It's also the tremendous feeling of tension and division amongst Jews here. I can't speak for other parts of Israel, because all I really know is Jerusalem. But either way, I feel the spiritual air here is so tense you could cut it with a knife. People are so used to fighting for something that they shun outsiders and are therefore naturally unwelcoming in their communities. Luckily, from time to time you find the occasional exception. But even those exceptions have their shortcomings, and I am left with a strange sense of homelessness when it comes to prayer.

School is another story. While I'm still completely enamored with what I'm learning, I'm starting to feel deeply insecure about my intelligence and my abilities. While I love my class, being surrounded by 41 people just like me is a bit difficult. We are all going after the same goal, which is great. But, some have more experience with the academic side of Judaism than I. Some seem to have a MUCH better ability to retain information than I. And, I consistently feel that my California upbringing puts me in a totally separate category. I think I'll need to devote a completely separate blog post to that.

The bottom line is, the past few weeks I've tended to look at this year like a prison sentence; a sentence I'm eight months from completing. But I don't want to have this attitude! This year is a gift, and I'm completely conscious of it. I want to appreciate it and live it up. But all these external negative factors are getting in the way, and putting me right in the thick of a push-pull battle between my happiness and frustration.

Luckily, yesterday I had a wonderful tiyul to Tel Aviv with my friends Meredith and Leslie. It felt fabulous to just get out of Jerusalem and head to an actual, thriving, bumping city. Now, let's remember that Tel Aviv is a representation of everything Jerusalem is not. It's footloose and fancy-free. It's rebellious, and slightly dangerous, and all-encompassingly badass. The beach is therapeutic, the shopping is divine, and the non-Kosher food is just... well, amazing.

The tiyul was exactly what I needed: some relaxation, some time away from Jerusalem, and quality time spent with good people. I'm glad we went. And perhaps the most awesome part of our adventure was meeting kind, sweet Israelis; genuinely good-natured, calm people. We had a great conversation with an Israeli now living in Belgium on the sheirut back from Tel Aviv. Just talking to him and gleaning some of his positive energy was a delightful experience.

So, to conclude yet another sermon-esque blog post, I will say this: I miss California like crazy. I'm making the most of the day-to-day life I lead here in Israel. I'm enjoying my classmates and really am having a great time. But the word Israel literally means "one who wrestles/struggles with God," and I feel that completely encompasses my experience here. To live here is to struggle, and not just with God. Struggle with oneself and one's people, with one's spirituality and with one's emotion. With one's past, present, and future.

So maybe I'm exactly where I should be.

-Jaclyn